Sometimes, life throws us lemons, other times it throws bricks, and boy do those hurt.
Feeling a bit down at the moment. Life is trying to take a real shit on me. Been having a rough patch for about two weeks now and did some things I don't like myself doing.
The company I work for lost my pay check for about 8 days..yea I know the bastards. The worst part about this was the run around/lies they gave me. Oh Mr Abe your check was suppose to be directly deposited into your account, but for some reason it ended up as a paper check that is being sent to the office. When it get's here we will over night it to you. Hmm....really ok. Two days later I call back, Oh Mr. Abe yes you check showed up, Mr Jones will be bringing it down with him when he comes down this week. The day Mr. Jones shows up at the site I work at, guess what, Oh Mr. Abe I'm sorry but I didn't know I was suppose to be bringing you your check, the HR lady didn't tell me. When I get back to the office I will over-night it. The next day i'm expecting my check and hey nothing. /sigh at this point i'm pretty pissed off, not because of the fact that I haven't been paid, not i'm pretty good with our finances, I'm pissed off because of the run around and lies. Is this how you treat one of your better employees at that particular location? Dickheads.
So now it is time to be an asshole with them, "Either pay me or come work my shift yourself because I do not fucking work for free." A day or so later Mr. Jones calls me, "Mr. Abe i'm so sorry you have to go through this, I'm looking into why your pay hasn't been mailed to you, but I hear that you say you will not be showing up to work until you have been paid, I understand where you are coming from, really I do, but let's not make a bad situation worse by being rash. LMAO really? "So Mr. Jones, let me ask you this, who exactly am I making it worse for? What you going to do, not pay me? Oh that's right you are already doing that. Next time you wish to call me, do so without empty intimidation tactics because quite frankly if it is not about MY money which I WORKED for, then we have nothing to talk about, and if you wish to try to fire me because I refuse to work for free, Your asses will be in court as soon as possible on a wrongful termination case, good day sir."
Yep, received my pay the very next day, directly deposited into my account...assholes man I tell you.
But during this week of me being agitated from work, something else happened while I was down that sent me on a spiral. My wife had a hysterectomy around august 1st, and her sex drive was slowly winding down. I just come to find this out, but before that I felt toyed with. "Honey tonight we doing it" YAY sex time sex time!!! But when tonight comes, no sex, ok no biggie, we had a busy day with all the cleaning and shopping, so tomorrow night it is on. Tomorrow night comes and still no sex. This proceeded to happen for the whole week, so I got to wondering what happened? I've never pressured my wife for sex, and she never initiated sex, but the air around her was changing from wanting sex, to forgetting about it.
So we sit down for a chat, and sex comes up in the conversation and she tells me she doesn't think about sex anymore, it just never crosses her mind, almost as if it doesn't exist. I'm an understanding guy, so I get that, so I tell her that I do understand. Then I ask her if she sees anything wrong with that picture. She replies no. So I am now thinking wow, she really doesn't even see anything wrong with not wanting sex. I say to her, baby I get that sex never crosses your mind, but you seem to not even be bothered by that fact. Do you want to improve that? And she says some stuff, but in essence, she said she really didn't see it as a big deal, to have no interest in sex, or even looking to regain any interest...OUCH.
Needless to say, I'm pretty grumpy at this point so a argument starts, she cries, I feel like even more of an asshole, and we go to bed angry, first time in 7 years of knowing each other. So the next few days, we are just walking about like zombies, going on with our daily lives, she's unhappy because she thought everything was perfect, I'm unhappy because she's unhappy and feeling like its my fault for the argument. But I felt truely that the issue should have been addressed, after all sex is something I love and something she use to love. But due to the breast cancer, mastectomy, then hysterectomy and the chaos it caused in our lives, I understood perfectly wanting a bit of normalcy on her part, but during her quest for that, she forgot about me in a sexually intimate way.
Our next conversation she told me about how she's been feeling and how she was focusing on so much of life and all the things she missed while dealing with cancer, and the disruption it caused. And I understood this, and I told her I understand that. But somewhere along the way of your Crusade to trying to do everything you missed out on, such as a huge christmas for our son last year, you forgot about your husband, and only saw him as your best friend. I'm more than that, and I miss sex with my wife, is that so wrong to want to have sex with you? No sex is not bothering me, the false promise from you to have sex is. If you don't feel like having sex when it's brought up, let me know, don't lead me on, we have been together long enough for you to feel comfortable letting me know this. Also I get that your sex drive is completely gone, but it is the part of you never wanting to get out of park to start driving again that bothers me. Talk to someone, there are things out there now to increase your libido, I'm not saying this will happen over night, It will be a journey, but until you start on the road to recovering, I can't be along on the ride. We are standing still, and I believe we should be moving forward. So talk with someone about your lack of interest, ask for help.
She said she actually never thinks about sex, she doesn't miss it because it never registers in her mind. The one or two times since the Total hysterectomy she says she faked interest, and the first time was quite painful, but she didn't let me know because she didn't want to ruin it for me. I had to tell her that she should NEVER do that. Let me know if its hurting, let me know if anything is feeling out of wack. We are playing a whole new ball game, it's a new learning curve for us, but we will get through it, we always do.
So after all this, we hugged and kissed, she cried, and cried, and cried, and I just held her and reinforced that everything would be okay. She finally agreed to talk with someone about it.
A couple days later she talked with the members of her group therapy, and the psychologist there leading it, from the recap she gave me she says she happy she did talk about it, and the other women in the group who are married said they either are going through it or been through it. Her closest friend in the group told her about her husband still wanting sex even when she lost interest, and how it strained their marriage, and that the problem resolved itself when he developed ED. They are a much older couple, and I told my wife ED is not in my future, especially with PE and stuff, she laughed about that.
So anyways, Monday she meets with more doctors to talk about how to increase her interest in sex again. I don't know how it will go since she had a total hysterectomy and her breast cancer was believed to be cause by too much estrogen, what kind of hormone therapy they'd recommend...But at least she's finally trying to get our sex life back to something normal, which was all I wanted. For her to start looking forward to sex again. The act itself can wait, but the drive to get there must never be postponed..
Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so fustrated this past week if I wasn't so pissed at work, then again she didn't even want to play with it anymore shesh, talk about frustrating.
Hopefully things are looking better now.
~Abe
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Was feeling down, but a bit chipper now.
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