So I'm sitting here, on Friday night, on my computer looking at this lovely forum and it suddenly occurred to me that it's pretty lonely here right now. It just feels...abandoned almost. Nobody is around making posts, the usual lively banter isn't here, and I can't help but thinking it's because everybody is out doing something cool, or having fun, or getting laid, or whatever...and I'm not.
It's kind of a nightmare flashback for me to huge portions of my life. I spent so many years being alone that the feeling of loneliness is almost like a companion to me. A companion I despise that is. I vividly remember in high school being at home on Friday nights with my mom because...I didn't have anything else to do or anywhere else to go. For me, the worst Fridays were the Fridays where a dance was happening. Not that I was or is a "dancer" but going to the dances was big. Almost everybody went, even the nerds. But not me. Not once, ever, did I go to a dance. Not one.
In college...oh I did stuff on Fridays...and I had my fun. When I was a freshman I went to play pool with friends or go to BW3 and play trivia and eat wings. But women...nope. I was afraid and my fear doomed me to the constant feeling of loneliness. As I got older I kept thinking that "it" would happen for me, but it didn't. When I was 20 I used to spend Fridays at a friends apartment where they had small "parties"...the people who where old enough would buy the beer and everybody would have fun. Not huge crowds but I enjoyed it and the presence of the neighbor girls at those parties made it more fun. Still though, no women for me, and so at the end of the night when I walked into my empty dorm room guess who was waiting for me? Loneliness.
The summer I turned 21 I was doing an internship in which housing was provided for all the interns. We lived in 3 apartments in the same community (2-4 people per unit). It was 2:1 women:men as it is in my profession. I fell in love for the first time that summer.......this is actually hard to write about....she captivated me and what's more, she seemed to like me. We spent time together, even time alone, frequently on Friday night. We would watch scary movies and she would rest her head on my shoulder or my lap. We would talk about things that I didn't talk to other people about, stuff like this. She had a boyfriend. At the end of the night, she always went back to her place and I went to my bedroom to be greeted by my old friend loneliness.
When I was 23-24 and most of my friends had graduated and left college...I was still there. Not because I'm a stupid ass but because I was in a 6 year professional program and they all got 4 year degrees. I still had friends but it wasn't the same. On Friday's I might go to work or I might sit alone in my apartment watching movies and drinking a beer or 6 while my roommate spent time with his girlfriend. Sometimes I would get a flask of whisky and walk the campus in despair. I liked the top level of the parking garage because it was quiet and allowed me to wallow in my sorrow and fully commune with my old pal loneliness.
After I graduated, from when I was 25-26, I went into a residency program. A social life was almost out of the question then as I was literally working 80 hours per week. I lived alone, of course, and on the rare occasion I was not busy on a Friday night I was at home alone. I had a nice apartment...vaulted ceilings, a deck that looked out onto a lake, a "garden tub"...the place should have been a chick magnet but it wasn't. My only companion in that nice apartment was loneliness.
When I finished the residency I started a fellowship because I guess I like pain. I again moved to a new city and found myself living alone. I worked a lot, no doubt, but it wasn't as much as residency. My co-fellows were great and still my friends to this day. One was a great guy who was/is married and the other older than me. Even though I had friends, on Friday's I was always alone.
THEN, I met the woman who is now my wife. I was 26 when I met her but the bulk of our relationship occurred after I turned 27. The year I was 27 was the best year...I was with her all the time and even if I wasn't physically with her I was chatting with her online. Loneliness faded into my past. She was loving and patient with me and helped me finally become a man....and I loved her for it. I still love her. And yet, here I sit on Friday night having a beer with my old friend loneliness. Life is funny sometimes...
↧
Loneliness
↧