I've had a couple of relapses with the porn lately. I'm not beating myself up, it actually kinda gave me some insight into things. Overall I feel like I'm doing well. Its a good 10 year habit I'm trying to break so I'm expecting a lengthy journey here.
I am thinking about what I really want - what turns me on and what I desire using good old imagination. It was quite a turn on and I felt pretty horny most of the week and pretty much thought about sex non stop.
I am discovering I really like touch and sensuality. A girl flirting, biting her lip suggestively making it blatantly obvious she wants me - that's what does it. Being held. Light pecks to full on making out. That stuff arouses me no problem. I like to know I'm wanted. I actually quite like giving and receiving oral sex too.
I became selfish. The porn contributed to that. Its a slippery slope. Instead of actually noticing what makes my pulse race and excites me I just fapped to this or that. Problem is as anyone who has this kind of addiction knows its like a drug - you start to look for weirder and weirder stuff. You forget what turned you on about your partner in the first place. Don't get me wrong. I like breasts, pussy and ass just as much as the next guy. Honestly with porn that's all its about. Its all physical. Yeah, sex is physical - obvious lol - what I'm getting at is it can also be a sensual erotic connection. Which I lost sight on. And in a romantic relationship with love for one another and the love goes you're just fucking. All physical.
I don't mind a good fuck. I do like it physical. There needs to be a mix. obviously if this was a casual arrangement, this wouldn't be a problem. These were women I was attracted to. I wanted to be with because I had feeling for them as they did with me.
I was addicted to porn and it changed the way I saw them.
Its just not always about that. I genuinely find women themselves, the way they flick their hair and bat their eyelids and talk the sound of femininity in their voice
I find when a woman acts sensual with a sexual hunger THAT is far more attractive and a bigger turn on that anything else.
Which in turn makes stuff with your partner uncomfortable because suddenly you get aroused at the computer. And you can't with her, its a real struggle. And you feel embarrased. She thinks something is wrong with her and there isn't. It creates a rift. I bury my head. She walks out. Stupidly repeat this cycle and then finally realize.....
I would sometimes get with girls when I would get depressed, usually really easy ones who weren't happy themselves and were doing the same thing I was. Even when feeling king of the world, when I'd meet grils to felt better about themselves just as I did - nope I'm not bi-polar - just addicted to porn and had performance anxiety when it came to women - I would be so very focused on myself. Hoping I was hard enough. Would I be hard enough? Focus, keep it hard man.... I couldn't focus on her. and so I wasn't fufilling her wants needs and desires.
Sex should be about the both enjoyment to both partners. I'm making sure it will be about both of us again rather than me and insecurity. I'm doing good sorting out what I need to sort and really its not that difficult.
I am starting to rely on my imagination as you can see - which is exactly what I want. I'm doing pelvic floor exercises, don't think I have an imbalance but I feel my EQ is always around 80% and its good I can improve on that. I'm also taking horny goat weed now and again through the week and it seems to help, I get rock hard when I take it.
Confidence in myself is up too. Initiated conversation with a nice biker chick. Yaay! She was unfortunately taken, still had a great conversation with her. I'd hang out and ride with her (motorbikes I mean lol). When I started this blog, I couldn't even initiate a conversation. It really wasn't all that long ago either.
I walk and talk differently compared to the start of November. Over all I'm doing good. I feel good too.
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sex, love, confidence and porn addiction.
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